Stay With Me
by writeallnight
Summary: They came back from Afghanistan broken, but together maybe they can find a way to be whole. Takes place following "Spoils of War."
1. Found

A/N: Takes place immediately following the events of "Spoils of War". This one has been a long time coming because (obviously) I see this as a pivotal moment in Kensi and Deeks' relationship. I have some theories about what happens between the two of them off-screen between this episode and where we are currently in season 6 which will be revealed as I post chapters. I've done a lot of editing on this fic and I'm still tweaking it to be where I want. Anywho, enjoy!

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Kensi collapsed against his body, sobbing, and Deeks pulled her in as tightly as he dared. He'd pictured this moment, their reunion, a thousand times but never had he pictured this; both of them broken, falling to pieces, half a world away from home. He'd imagined relief and happiness, not the anguish he felt in the depths of his soul or the haunted look in her eyes. She was thin, he could feel her bones even beneath her thick sweater and it made him sick to his stomach. What had they done to her?

Deeks took a breath. She needed him to be strong right now so he checked his feelings and forced himself to focus only on her. Pulling away he took a close look at his partner. Her eyes were sunken into her skull, her face pale, and she trembled beneath his touch. "What uh, what did the doctor say?" he asked.

She'd been whisked off to the medical tent as soon as the chopper landed and he hadn't yet gotten a full report. "He uh, he said I'm dehydrated and malnourished," Kensi's voice broke a little. "But I'm good to travel."

"That's good," Deeks said, letting out a breath. "That's good. Do you…want to go get something to eat?"

She nodded and they began their walk to the mess. She tripped over her feet and stumbled. Deeks instinctively reached for her, grasping her arm. "Okay?" he asked.

Kensi nodded but he continued to hold onto her until they reached the tent. It was crowded and loud and Deeks could tell his partner felt uncomfortable. He spotted Sam and Callen and steered her toward their table. "Hey you found it!" Callen said pleasantly. The two of them already had plates full of food and were clearly very content with the situation as Deeks and Kensi sat down.

"You hungry?" Sam asked. "Line's right over there. They pulled out all the stop today."

"I'll go," Deeks offered, starting to rise.

Kensi reached over and gripped his sleeve. Deeks met her gaze and saw the unrest there. Sam did too. "Hey, you two just sit down relax, all right? It's been a long day. I got it," Sam stood and Deeks sank back into his chair.

Kensi released his sleeve but she still sat hunched, nervous and it made his heart ache. She was a shadow of her former self and it was exceptionally unsettling.

"Nell and Eric are going to be thrilled to have you back," Callen told her. "We've missed you around Ops. It's not the same without you there."

Kensi tried to smile. "I missed you guys too."

"Not as much as we missed you," Sam said as he returned, plates in hand. "Somebody needs to keep Deeks in check."

"Thanks a lot pal," Deeks shot back, but it was more of a reflex than an actual retort. He was too exhausted to come up with anything better.

"Take it easy with the food Kens," Sam warned. "Your stomach's gonna be a mess for awhile."

She nodded and took a small bite of what he'd placed in front of her. "Just think, this time tomorrow you'll be eating at your kitchen table," Callen told her.

"If you can find it," Sam joked. "Fair warning Kens, somebody was cleaning up your desk while you were away."

Kensi glanced at her partner, who shrugged. "I still have everything. It's just more organized," he told her, searching her eyes for a sign of life.

"It's fine," Kensi said softly.

"You say it's fine now but you haven't seen it," Callen told her. "There are separate boxes for you incoming and outgoing mail now."

Kensi's hand covered her mouth and she gagged. "Kensi?" Deeks asked.

"I-" she wretched again and Deeks pulled her up from the table.

"Come here," he pulled her outside where she emptied the few bites she'd eaten onto the ground, gasping and choking.

Deeks hovered helplessly by her side. It was several long minutes before she straightened and by that time Sam and Callen had joined them. "I'm sorry," she croaked.

"Hey, it's okay," Deeks told her.

"We should get you back to medical," Callen said.

"No!" Kensi cried. "No, I can't. Deeks," she looked up at him, her eyes glassy, "I just want to go home."

"Kens-"

"Please," she was begging and he couldn't take it.

"Okay," he said softly. "Okay."

"Deeks-" Callen started to protest.

"She doesn't want it," Deeks snapped, past the point of caring that he was yelling at his boss. He was going to do whatever Kensi wanted. She deserved that much from him. "She'll be fine."

An hour later they were boarding a plane. Kensi fumbled with the straps on her seat, her hands shaking too badly to pull them tight. "I got it," Deeks said quietly, making sure they were snug before strapping himself in next to her.

"Thanks," she whispered as Sam and Callen joined them.

"You ready?" Callen asked.

Kensi managed a timid smile and a nod. "We'll be right over here if you need us," Sam nodded at two seats a little further down the row.

The hatch began to close and Sam and Callen took their seats. The engines started and Deeks felt his partner tense. He reached for her hand, no longer caring who saw. She rested her head against his shoulder and a tear slipped down her cheek. Deeks rested his chin on top of her head and tried to hold back his own tears. "Let's go home."

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A/N: The end of this episode just killed me. Kensi was SO vulnerable and so we're going to see quite a bit more of that side of her as the story progresses. Because I've never been kidnapped but I can imagine you don't come back from that quickly. And Deeks didn't exactly have an easy time of things either. I think he saw how far he was willing to go for her and it scared him. Which means lots of fun emotions to play with here! Any and all thoughts are welcome!


	2. Coming Home

A/N: Aw you guys! So much love for this fic already! Thank you to all who reviewed and said such lovely things after the first chapter! Ya'll are the best! Please enjoy chapter two and, dare I say, you might want a tissue or two handy? Maybe not, but depending on your current emotional state, you might...

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Deeks felt like he could breathe again when they finally hit the tarmac in LA after fifteen hours in the air. They'd made it. They'd gotten her back. "Hey," he squeezed Kensi's hand, causing her to start. She'd been quiet for most of the trip. "We're here."

She fumbled with her straps and grimaced as she unfolded her stiff body from the seat. Deeks helped her up and grabbed both of their bags, heading for the door of the plane. The California sun beat warm against his skin and Deeks greedily inhaled the smell of sea air. "Deeks," Sam caught his attention. "A minute?"

Deeks looked at his partner who put on a brave face. "I'm good," she told him.

"I'll walk her to the car," Callen offered with a smile, "Keep her from getting lost again."

He said it teasingly but it made Deeks' stomach twist. Letting her out of his sight was not something he wanted to do at the moment. He watched them move toward the parking lot leaving him with the senior agent. "It's not going to be easy," Sam told him, "to get her back from this. She's gonna need a lot of care."

"I know," Deeks replied.

"I know you know," Sam said. "What I'm asking is if you're up to it?" He paused, "Your time in Afghanistan wasn't exactly a picnic either."

"I've got this," Deeks said firmly. "She's my partner. If anyone can get her back, it's me."

Sam nodded. "You call if you need anything."

"Yeah, I will," Deeks said distractedly, already looking in the direction his partner had gone.

"Deeks," Sam's tone was deadly serious. "I mean it."

Deeks met his gaze. "I know," he said softly. "Thanks."

Sam offered his hand and Deeks shook it. "Keep us posted."

"I will."

The drive home took another hour and Kensi was quiet, even when they stopped to pick up the medications the doctor had prescribed. It was unnatural and broke Deeks' heart a little more with every passing moment. He pulled into her parking spot and she gazed up at her front door. "You ready?" Deeks finally asked.

She glanced at him and then away. "I uh, I didn't know if this would ever happen," she swallowed hard, tears pooling in her eyes. "It's hard to believe."

Deeks reached for her hand. "I know."

She took a deep breath and brushed her free hand across her cheek. "Okay."

They got out of the car and Deeks unlocked her front door, ushering her inside. Deeks set down their bags and watched as Kensi looked around her apartment. Her hand brushed the couch, touched her bookshelf as she took in her home for the first time in months. "Are you… hungry?" he asked, uncertain of what else to say. "I can go get something."

"No, I think I'm just," Kensi struggled for words, "I'm really tired."

"Yeah, yeah sure," Deeks ran a hand through his hair. "I'll just uh, I'll just head out then."

He reached for his bag and put a hand on the doorknob. "I'll call you tomorrow and see how you're doing. Make sure you take your meds okay?"

She nodded but it was unconvincing. She looked completely at sea in her own living room and there were tears gathering again in her eyes. "Kens?" he asked.

"Yeah," she snapped to attention, "I'll just, uh, I'll go to bed."

"Okay," he waited for her to move but she didn't.

"Could you…" her voice was so quiet at first he almost didn't hear her, "Could you stay? Just…just for a little bit?"

His heart squeezed painfully at her words. "Yeah, I can stay. Sure."

"Okay. Okay," Kensi nodded and moved slowly toward her room, closing the door behind her.

Deeks sank down onto the couch and rubbed a hand over his face. It had been at least twenty-four hours since he'd slept, longer for Kensi. His desire for a shower was being rapidly overpowered by the crushing need for sleep. He lowered his head onto a throw pillow intent on simply resting his eyes; he wanted to be awake in case Kensi needed something. But the exhaustion was too much and within minutes he was asleep.

Kensi's screams woke him two hours later. Deeks flew off the couch and nearly pulled the door off its hinges as he entered her room. "Kensi! Kensi! Wake up! Hey!" he shook her. "It's just a dream! Kensi!"

She tried to fight him off, still half asleep, screaming in terror. "No! No! Let me go! Stop! Please!"

"Kensi, Kensi come on!" he pleaded using all his strength to pin her flailing limbs. "Kensi! It's me!"

"Please! Please! Just please don't! Don't hurt him! HELP ME!"

"Kensi! I'm right here! Come on, please wake up!"

"Deeks?" Kensi's voice was weak and pitiful as the terror of her dreams faded to reality. "Deeks?"

Her limbs went limp and Deeks slowly let her go. A sob ripped from her throat and she curled up into a ball on her side. "It's okay. It's okay, I've got you," Deeks laid down on the bed and pulled her against him, curling his body around hers as she cried. "I've got you."

It literally felt as if his heart was being ripped from his chest as her body spasmed against him. Her cries were like knives, harsh, uncontrollable, so full of pain he thought they might not survive the night. All he could do was pull her tighter against his chest and hold her. He stroked her hair and whispered words of comfort for hours until they both fell into an exhausted slumber.

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A/N: So thanks again for reading. Also, who else is super excited for Densi's first fight tomorrow night?! Cannot wait to see that goodness on my television!


	3. Step by Step

A/N: You guys have been such a wonderful audience so far and I just can't say thank you enough! Your sweet comments have been such a joy to read and I'm so glad you are liking it! I made some major edits to the next few chapters this morning and I'm pretty excited to share them with you. Lots of feels coming your way soon! Enjoy!

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Kensi woke slowly, her body and head aching, her eyes gritty, her throat raw. It took several seconds for her to realize where she was. Not a cave floor in Afghanistan; her bed, her apartment, her country.

She sat up and winced as her body protested. "Deeks?" The other side of her bed held an imprint the size of her partner but the sheets were cold. "Deeks!" her voice cracked as she felt panic rise in her chest.

"Hey, hey!" Deeks came quickly through the door and sat on the bed in front of her, grasping her hands. "I'm right here. It's okay."

"I thought, I thought you'd left," Kensi said, trying to catch her breath.

"No, I wouldn't do that," he told her softly. "I just went to make breakfast. Okay?"

She nodded and he brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "Are you hungry?"

"You're going to need to come up with another question soon," Kensi told him. "That one's getting old."

"Yeah, well, I'm making this up as I go along," he told her with a half smile. "Is that a yes?"

She nodded. "Okay, I'll be right back."

Deeks was back in minutes a tray in his hands. He settled it across her legs and she stared down at the food in front of her. "You made me pancakes," she said softly. "With chocolate chips."

"They're your favorite. I figured your stomach could handle it," he told her. "You should drink your protein shake first though."

Kensi couldn't stop the tears that flowed down her cheeks. "Hey, hey," Deeks shifted so he could be next to her and pull her close. "They're just pancakes."

"I'm sorry," she sniffed.

"It's okay," Deeks soothed. "Here."

Kensi took a deep breath and worked to get herself under control as Deeks handed her a glass of juice and a handful of pills. "These are the vitamins and antibiotics the doctor wants you to take. Not as exciting as pancakes, but your immune system will thank you."

Kensi swallowed the pills and started in on her breakfast. "As good as you remember?" Deeks asked.

"Better," Kensi told him sincerely.

She only managed to eat half of what he had prepared but he didn't push her. "Why don't you go take a shower while I clean up?" Deeks offered.

"Yeah, okay," Kensi replied, still looking a little uncertain.

Deeks spent some time in the kitchen and then used the guest bathroom to freshen himself up a bit. He emerged to find Kensi standing awkwardly in the living room, her hands shoved into the pockets of her hoodie, her shoulders hunched as if protecting herself.

"Hey, you look like a new woman," Deeks told her with a smile.

"Thanks," Kensi said softly.

"You feel up for a walk?"

Kensi glanced nervously toward the door. "Um…I don't know."

"Okay, that's okay," Deeks searched for an alternative. "Why don't we…play a game? I'll go find some cards."

Kensi nodded and he disappeared back into the kitchen searching through her drawers for a deck he knew he'd spotted on a previous foray through her apartment. "Found 'em!" he called finally. "What are the chances this is a full deck?"

He re-entered the living room to find his partner sound asleep on the couch. He ran a hand through his hair and simply sat in the armchair next to her, grabbing a three-month old magazine off the coffee table. _Guess it's time to catch up on the Kardashians_, he thought to himself.

The next three days passed in similar fashion. Kensi slept fitfully and Deeks was a frequent guest in her bed, doing his best to calm her. But even his presence wasn't enough to keep the nightmares at bay. Her throat was sore from screaming, and they were both exhausted.

Deeks woke up on their fifth day at home and knew something needed to change. Kensi was not getting better, if anything, she was getting worse. She was going through the motions but if he hadn't been around she probably would have stopped with basic hygiene by this point; a scary thought for the LAPD Officer. He knew the effects of depression all too well, and he was not going to lose his partner that way.

"Let's go for a walk," Deeks suggested as she poked at the cereal in her bowl.

Kensi looked up. "I…"

"Kens, come on," Deeks took her hand. "You have to get out of this apartment. You can't…we can't stay here like this forever."

"Deeks…" her voice was little more than a whisper, "I can't."

"Yes, you can," he gripped her hand more tightly. "I'll be right there with you. Kensi, please."

Kensi chewed her lip anxiously and then nodded. "Okay."

Deeks sat back in relief. "Okay."

He put their dishes in the sink and waited while Kensi put on a pair of sneakers. "Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah."

He opened the door and sunlight poured into the apartment. Kensi looked outside hesitantly. "I'm right here," Deeks promised. "You can do this."

They stepped out the door and Deeks led the way down to the sidewalk. They walked along and Deeks felt his partner begin to relax for the first time in days. "See?" Deeks asked. "You got this."

Kensi gave him a hesitant smile as they moved past a chain link fence. A dog began barking and Kensi cringed against him at the noise. "It's okay," Deeks told her. "I've got you."

He stood, holding her, for several seconds, waiting for her breathing to return to a normal rate. "You good?" he asked.

"Yeah," she nodded and pulled away, pushing a hand through her hair as she tried to regain her composure.

They continued walking and Deeks was surprised when she spoke. "So…where's Monty?"

"I left him with a patrolman. He's got two little girls. Monty loves them. He probably won't even want to come home."

"Oh," Kensi said quietly. "No, I'm, I'm sure he will."

"I usually put him up at a doggy daycare but I wasn't sure how long we'd be gone," Deeks told her.

"Yeah well, that makes sense. You didn't know if you'd find me," Kensi said softly.

"I knew." Deeks stopped walking and looked her directly in the eyes. "I wasn't leaving without you Kensi."

The conversation seemed to sap the last of Kensi's strength. "I think…I think I'm ready to go home now."

They turned around and began the walk back. Kensi's steps began to slow and Deeks started to worry he'd pushed her too hard.

Once they were inside, he directed her to the couch. "Sit tight." Disappearing into the kitchen, he returned a few minutes later with a protein shake and another round of pills. "Doctor's orders. We need to fatten you up."

He settled next to her on the couch and flipped on the television. "Well isn't this your lucky day. Next Top Model re-runs just for you."

Kensi sipped her shake through a straw but her eyes weren't on the TV. "It's really clean in here," she said finally.

"Yeah it looks like a place a real person lives," Deeks told her. "Why is it always the hot ones who are crazy? Just follow the photographer's directions!"

"I didn't leave it like this," Kensi said with a frown.

"Yeah I, uh, stopped by a couple times," Deeks replied. Clearly his partner was not going to drop it. "Just to check on things."

"You cleaned my apartment?"

Deeks shrugged. "I missed you. It was a way to be close. All of your hoard-y treasures are still here. I can put it all back if you want."

"No, that's okay," Kensi relaxed her body against his. "It's kind of nice."

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A/N: Well, I hope you liked it. Like I said, there is more goodness on the way! By the way, the episode this week, maybe not the greatest television ever written, but that KayKay thing was BEYOND fantastic. But I'm getting a little scared folks! They dropped that line in the press early in the season about Deeks going back to LAPD and the last couple episodes have been a little tough on his feelings. I'm worried he's going to leave soon! I mean, I'm sure he'll be back, I just don't want anything to get in the way of our lovely ship! Anywho, happy Friday night! Any and all reviews most welcome as always!


	4. Awake

A/N: Hey guys! Happy Spring Forward! I say that like it makes me happy but I do miss that extra hour of sleep :( Oh well! Here's a little something to help keep you awake today! Enjoy!

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Deeks woke slowly, trying to figure out what had roused him from slumber in what was clearly the middle of the night. He heard a thump and realized it was coming from the kitchen. He rose, wincing as his back protested. These nights on Kensi's couch were starting to take their toll on his spine.

He squinted against the brightness of the kitchen lights. "Kens? It's 2:30. What are you doing?"

"Making brownies," Kensi told him matter-of-factly. "Well I was but then I realized I didn't have any brownie mix so I started making cookies."

"Okay, yeah," Deeks' sleepy brain tried to catch up. "I mean yay for brownies but-"

"Cookies. We don't have any brownie mix."

"Right, cookies…cookies are great but Kensi, it's 2:30. You should be in bed."

"I'm not tired," she told him. She added chocolate chips to the bowl and began to stir vigorously. "Should I put peanut butter chips in too?"

"Did you sleep at all?" Deeks asked.

"I'm not tired," she told him again. "Yeah I think we'd better go all the way with these. Peanut butter it is."

"Kens-"

"I'm not tired Deeks!" Kensi's tone cut like a knife. "Go back to bed if you are."

"Kensi," he put his hand over hers, pausing her restless stirring, "you have to sleep. I know the nightmares are bad but-"

"You don't know anything!" she cried, wrenching her arm away from him. "You have no idea Deeks, don't pretend like you do! You have no idea." The tears were falling fast now. "Please, just, please don't make me. I can't go to sleep."

"Kensi…"

"Please, Deeks, please," she whispered.

"Okay," Deeks said softly, unable to continue causing her pain. "Okay. How can I help?"

Kensi took a breath and handed him a spoon. "Stir."

This behavior continued for days. They would go to bed and within hours Kensi was up again cleaning, cooking, or finding other projects around her apartment. The dark circles grew under both of their eyes and Kensi began to look increasingly worse. The few hours of sleep they did get were often interrupted by her screams, which only renewed her insistence that she wasn't tired.

"She's not sleeping," Deeks said as they sat in the doctor's office on Thursday morning. Kensi had been scheduled for a follow up after her initial examination in Afghanistan and Deeks found himself relieved to finally have someone to talk with. He was doing his best but he wasn't a doctor.

"Is that true Kensi?" the doctor asked.

"I um, I'm not very tired," she told him.

The bags under her eyes said otherwise and didn't fool the physician. "I'm going to prescribe you a sleep aid. Have you given any thought to attending a group therapy session? I know NCIS is going to do a psych evaluation but many people find group therapy beneficial."

"I don't need therapy," Kensi said flatly.

The doctor pursed his lips and looked at her for a moment longer before writing something on the pad in front of him. "If you change your mind, you know where to find me."

He handed her a prescription. "Take this down the hall and they'll fill it for you."

Deeks followed Kensi out the door. "I'll be right there," he told her when they reached the hall. "Bathroom."

Kensi headed for the pharmacy but Deeks passed the bathroom by and instead ducked back into the doctor's office. "Doc?"

"Mr. Deeks," the doctor looked up in surprise. "Something else I can do for you?"

"She's having night terrors," Deeks told him worriedly. "Every night. It's bad. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me."

The doctor set down the file he'd been looking at. "I've known Agent Blye for quite awhile now. And the one thing I know best about her is that she protects the people she cares about," he looked the man straight in the eye. "She went through something awful, something you and I can't even fathom. She's protecting you Mr. Deeks, by not telling you about it. She doesn't want to hurt you."

Deeks stood stunned. The thought had never occurred to him, but it made complete sense. She was trying to spare him the pain of knowing what she had been through. "What do I do?" he asked desperately.

"Just continue to support her. Show her you're strong enough to stay even when it gets hard. Kensi's strong. She'll come around."

"And…if she doesn't? I know a thing or two about depression Doc."

The doctor folded his hands across his chest. "She will."

His words echoed in Deeks' mind as he and Kensi got into the car and, in that moment, he made a decision.

"Where are we going?" Kensi asked as Deeks took a left out of the parking lot.

"It's a surprise," Deeks told her.

Kensi frowned. "A surprise?"

"Yep."

"Deeks-"

"You'll like it Kens," he glanced at her. "I promise."

They pulled up to a modestly sized home and Deeks cut the engine. "I'm uh, I'm not really ready for people," Kensi glanced down at her Minnie Mouse t-shirt and sweatpants.

"It's okay," Deeks assured her. "Just stay right here. I'll be back."

He exited the vehicle and walked to the front door. Kensi watched the door open and Deeks stepped inside. She settled back against the seat and fiddled with the cap on the pill bottle in her hands.

The next thing she knew her door was opening and a big, furry mass was launching itself at her face and covering her in wet, slobbery kisses. "What the-Monty!"

The dog whimpered and continued to lick her face.

"Monty, Monty stop!" Kensi tried to push the furry beast away but the dog would not let up.

"Monty, hey boy, let her breathe okay?" Deeks hauled the mutt off his partner and put him in the back seat. "I think somebody missed you. That was a nicer greeting than I got," Deeks told her as he climbed back into the car.

Monty shoved his head forward between the seats and barked happily, tail wagging.

"The surprise is your dog?" Kensi asked skeptically. "I thought you said I would like it."

"You love him and you know it," Deeks told her as they pulled into traffic.

"Well he's not coming in my house," Kensi grumbled even as she scratched the dog's ear.

Deeks kept his eyes on the road, but a grin twitched at the corner of his mouth. She might be broken, but _his_ Kensi glimmered in the cracks.

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A/N: Thoughts? Opinions? I'll take 'em all! Thanks again to those who have been so faithfully reading and reviewing. You're the best!


	5. In the Dark of the Night

A/N: Okay folks. This is the big one. Just...be prepared. It's a little heavy.

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As it turned out Kensi had not only let the dog into her apartment, but also onto her couch, and given him snacks after dinner. She had however, drawn the line at her bedroom.

Deeks was rudely awakened at 3 am by a cold, wet nose. It pressed directly against his bare leg, which had become uncovered in the night. "Gah! Monty, boy, I told you not to drink all that water," Deeks said as he sat up.

The dog whimpered and nudged him again.

"Okay, okay," Deeks groaned and dragged himself off the couch but instead of going to the front door the dog whined and walked toward Kensi's bedroom.

"Monty, buddy, she doesn't want you in there."

The dog whined again and scratched at the door. That was when Deeks heard a moan. "Kensi?" he knocked on the door. "Kens, you okay?"

She cried out and he threw the door open.

"Kensi!"

She was twisted in the sheets, her eyes squeezed shut, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please!" she moaned. "Please!"

"Kensi, Kensi wake up," he touched her shoulder but she cringed away from him.

"Don't touch me!" she gasped. "Jack! Jack!"

She was yelling now, her limbs flailing. Monty barked and whined worriedly as Deeks continued to try and wake his partner. This was worse than anything he'd seen yet. She was more frantic than ever before.

"Kensi, it's just a dream. Come on Kensalina, wake up," Deeks begged.

"Stop, please!" Kensi wailed. "Don't hurt him! No!"

"Kensi! Kensi!"

She let out a scream; a scream so full of agony that it froze him. She continued to lash out at him as words poured from her lips. "STOP! PLEASE STOP! NO! NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

He tried everything he could think of and nothing worked. Kensi was trapped in a nightmare and her cries tore at Deeks' heart.

"Monty stay," Deeks finally ordered his dog onto the bed after nearly half an hour of torture.

In a final act of desperation he ran to the bathroom and wet a washcloth with cold water. He returned to his partner's room to find his dog lying on the bed, looking miserable as Kensi continued to thrash about.

"Kens, Kensi honey, please," Deeks maneuvered himself onto the bed, trying to avoid his partner's swinging fists and keep from crushing his dog at the same time.

As it was she managed to smack him in the eye, but he persisted and managed to touch the washcloth to her cheek.

"Come on please, please wake up," he begged as he gently wiped the tears from her face.

At first she tried to pull away but eventually her body relaxed and she opened her eyes, blinking several times. "Deeks?" she croaked.

"Hey, hey," Deeks set the cloth down and smoothed her hair. "You wouldn't wake up. It must have been the sleeping pills. I'm so sorry."

Kensi closed her eyes and a tear rolled down her cheek. This was different from the panicked sobbing of the past fifteen minutes.

"Kens?" Deeks asked uncertainly.

"You should just leave me," she croaked.

"What?" he asked, his heart squeezing in pain.

"Jack left me," she whispered, staring blankly at the ceiling. "He left me here."

Monty put his head on her stomach and she stroked it absentmindedly as she spoke. "And then he left me again. My dad left me. My mom. Dom. Everyone just leaves." She looked at her partner with red-rimmed eyes. "You should just go."

"No, Kensi, look at me. Look at me," he reached for her hand. "I am not leaving. I'm strong enough for this. For us." He looked directly into her eyes. "You're worth it."

She swallowed and winced.

"Let me go make you some tea," Deeks offered, starting to rise, but she gripped his hand and shook her head.

"Please…I need…"  
Deeks sank back down onto the mattress.

Kensi took a deep breath. "When I was in that cave, all I could think about was coming back to you. When they hit me, when they were screaming at me…all I could think about was you. All the things I wanted to say to you, all the things I wanted us to be. And they just kept yelling, and yelling and I just wanted it to stop. It was so cold and the bugs and the animals…"

Deeks clenched his jaw and tried not to vomit. The thought of her like that, at the mercy of those men, it was enough to make him want to kill.

Kensi brushed away another tear. "And then Jack was there…and it was like a dream. I never thought…I wanted him to come back for me. I must have thought about it dozens of times in the weeks after he left. And at some point, somewhere, I knew I would never see him again. And then, in the worst moment of my life, there he was. And they hit him again and again and again and he was screaming and I couldn't help him. I couldn't help him ten years ago and I couldn't help him now. I wasn't enough."

Her tears were falling in earnest. "And I close my eyes, and I just see him, and they're torturing him all over again and the screaming…the screaming…" She looked up at him miserably. "I wanted to die Deeks. I wanted it to be over."

"Kensi," his voice was hoarse and he felt himself trembling.

"I just want to forget. I want to forget Jack and that...that place. I want to pretend it never happened." She sniffed. "I'm so sorry. I uh, I don't know how to feel. I know we were…something, you and me. But I-"

"Kensi," Deeks stopped her, "I don't need anything right now except for you to be Kensi again."

Kensi looked at him sadly. "I don't know if I can be."

"We'll just take it one day at a time," he told her. "Just keep going." He gripped her hands a little tighter. "I need you to keep going."

Deeks was so close that he could feel the heat radiating off Kensi's skin. The urge to close the gap and press his lips to hers was nearly overpowering, something he'd been dreaming of for months. It was a way he could comfort her, comfort himself, but the time and the place were wrong and he knew it. He broke her gaze and slid off the bed. "You should try and go back to sleep," he told her. "Come on Monty."

"Deeks," Kensi stopped him. "Monty…he can stay."

* * *

Deeks' phone woke him early the next morning. "Go for Marty," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes, still gritty with lack of sleep.

"Mr. Deeks. It's good to hear your voice."

Deeks sat up. "Hetty. To what do I owe this," he glanced at the clock, "very early pleasure?"

"I'm just checking to see how you and Agent Blye are faring. We haven't heard from you since you've been home," Hetty told him.

"Yeah, well, we've been a little busy," Deeks said, walking to Kensi's door.

He peeked inside. Kensi was sleeping peacefully and his dog was curled up next to her like he belonged there.  
"Yes, well, I understand. How is Kensi feeling?"

"You know, she's not great." Deeks quietly shut the door. "Usually people who have been kidnapped and tortured by terrorists don't just bounce back."

"Well we're certainly not expecting her back for some time. You, Mr. Deeks, are another matter. Any chance we'll be seeing you around the office in the near future?"

"Hetty, I-"

"We really could use your help around here. Terrorists don't take vacation days."

Something inside of Deeks snapped. "You think this is a vacation for me? My partner is broken, Hetty. You sent her away and it _broke_ her. And I'm just here trying to put the pieces back together. For her and me. She comes before anything else. So I'll be back when she's okay enough to be alone."

There was a very pregnant pause. "Are you finished Mr. Deeks?" Hetty asked.

Deeks exhaled. "Yeah, I'm done."

"Good. I understand your frustration Mr. Deeks and I did not intend to pressure you. Take the time you and your partner need. We'll be glad to have you back as soon as you're ready."

Deeks hung up and let his head rest against the kitchen doorframe, trying to control the anger he felt toward his boss. It was her fault they were in this mess and he was struggling to forgive her for her choices.

"Who was that?"

Deeks turned to find Kensi standing in the living room.

"Was it Hetty?" she asked, her voice gravelly from the terror of the night before.

"Yeah, she was just checking in," Deeks told her. "Wanted to know how you were."

Kensi rolled her eyes. "I'm broken Deeks, but I'm not stupid. She wants you back."

Deeks was already shaking his head. "I'm not going until you're ready. I've got vacation time I can use."

"Deeks-"

"No!" Deeks' protest was louder than he'd meant it to be and it startled his partner. "I'm sorry."

He took her hands and walked her to the couch. "Kens, you're not the only one here who's broken. When we found out you were…when that call came, I think I lost my mind a little. The thought of you there…and I couldn't do anything. I can't take the chance that I'll lose you again. You are so important…" he took a breath and tried to get himself under control. "I told you last night. I'm not leaving."

Kensi stared at him for several long seconds before closing the distance between them and pressing her lips to his. Surprised at first, it didn't take him long to respond, tangling his fingers in her hair as her mouth moved against his. This was different from their previous kisses. The kiss was hungry, starving, desperate.

Kensi pulled back, her breathing ragged. Deeks exhaled slowly and removed his hand from her hair, choosing instead to run his thumb over her cheek, unwilling to lose all contact with her body.

"I don't…" Kensi seemed uncertain, at a loss for words.

Deeks shook his head. "It doesn't have to mean anything. Not right now."

She closed her eyes and covered his hand on her cheek with her own. "This isn't fair to you," she whispered.

"Life isn't fair," Deeks told her. "It doesn't matter to me."

"Deeks…"

He kissed her forehead. "I'm going to go make breakfast." He stood. "Nothing has to change."

But it did.

* * *

A/N: Like I said. A little heavy. And I know some of you might disagree with me about the Hetty thing but I was REALLY upset with her for this whole situation and I feel like she gets off the hook way too easily sometimes. Thanks again for all your continued support. Your reviews are just so lovely to read and I've gotten such nice PM's as well. Please continue to leave your thoughts for me!

OOH! And also, last week's episode, did any of you notice the part about Deeks and pancakes?! Guys! I have been writing about Deeks and Kensi and pancakes for THE LONGEST TIME and it made me so happy! It's the little things, you know? Anywho, thanks again for reading!


	6. Go

A/N: Hey all! Thanks for all the love last chapter! It means so much to read all your thoughtful comments. Sorry it's taken me a little longer this time around. Lots of school stuff going on, performing with the Kimmel center in Philly, no big deal. (By that I mean it's super, freaking awesome!) Enjoy this chapter and then check out my thoughts at the bottom!

* * *

Kensi joined Deeks in the kitchen half an hour later, fully dressed. "Hey," he said in surprise, taking in her attire, "no sweatpants today?"

She shrugged. " I just thought maybe we could go out later. To a movie or something."

Deeks worked not to overreact in his pleasure at her words as he joined her at the table. "A movie would be great. I'll check to see the times."

"Great," Kensi said, looking down at her breakfast. "Is this oatmeal?"

"Yep," Deeks was already pulling out his laptop.

"I don't like oatmeal."

He looked up. "Since when?"

"Since always."

"You have not always hated oatmeal."

"Yes, I have."

"Well, this isn't just any oatmeal. Try it."

"Deeks, I just told you I don't like oatmeal. I'm not going to eat it."

Something was different and it made Deeks want to shout for joy. They were bickering, and it felt so good. So normal. So them. "What are you, five? Eat the oatmeal Kensi."

"No, I'm a grown woman and if I don't want to eat something I don't have to."

He raised his eyebrows. "Aren't we feisty this morning?"

"I want pancakes."

"You can't eat pancakes every day. Oatmeal is good for you."

She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. "I'm not eating this. And you're supposed to be making me eat."

They stared at one another for a moment.

"That's dirty Blye," Deeks finally told her. "Very dirty."

There was fire in her eyes for the first time in months and it said she was not backing down anytime soon.

"Fine," he finally relented, "pancakes it is. But tomorrow you're eating oatmeal."

They pulled up to the movie theater several hours later. "So?" Deeks asked. "What's it going to be? Rom com or action?"

"I think the rom com," Kensi told him.

"Excellent choice!" Deeks complimented her which was followed by, "Milkduds or whoppers?" once they were inside.

"Both?" Kensi asked.

"Both is good," Deeks replied.

"And popcorn."

"You heard the lady," he told the cashier. "You're getting your appetite back," Deeks observed. "That's good."

"I'm really looking forward to the day where I can count my calories in the other direction again," Kensi sighed.

"You keep eating like this and that day won't be too far off."

Kensi smacked him. "Are you calling me fat?"

"I wouldn't dare!" Deeks said cheekily. "You've still got a ways to go. That didn't even hurt."

She hit him again and he winced. "Getting there. Come on slugger, we're going to be late."

The theater was fairly empty, giving them their choice of seats. They settled in munching on chocolate and popcorn and for the first time in weeks Deeks felt himself relax. This was normal. Well, the middle of the day wasn't. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been out somewhere on a weekday that didn't involve NCIS. But a movie was normal. They were being normal. At least they were until about an hour in.

He should have seen it coming but he didn't. Things took a turn for the worse in the film as romantic comedies are wont to do. The male lead stormed out of the heroine's apartment leaving her in tears. Deeks felt Kensi tense up beside him. "You okay?" he whispered.

She nodded wordlessly, her eyes glued to the screen. The montage began and Deeks felt Kensi start to tremble. "We can go," he offered gently.

She didn't respond.

"Kens? Hey." She started when he touched her arm. "Let's go home," he told her.

"No, I-"

"Kens, let's go home," Deeks insisted.

She nodded and Deeks helped her out of the seat and into the lobby. A sob escaped her lips and she covered her mouth with her hands. "I thought I could do it. I thought I was ready," she gasped.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Deeks pulled her close, waving off the theater employees approaching with concern. "It's okay."

"No it's not!" Kensi cried. "It's not okay."

She wrenched away from him and walked to the car on her own. Deeks followed uncertainly, confused about what had just happened.

They drove toward home, Kensi staring blankly out the window.

"Stop," she said suddenly. "Deeks stop!"

"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly as he pulled over next to the beach.

She was getting out of the car and he scrambled to keep up. "Kensi? Kensi!"

He followed her down onto the sand until she finally stopped, wrapping her arms around herself, and stared out at the waves.

"Kensi?" Deeks asked tentatively. "Hey, you're scaring me."

She looked at him, fresh misery in her eyes. "I just want to be normal again."

"You will be," Deeks told her. "It's already so much better. You made it to a movie today. You're even wearing real pants."

His attempt at humor fell flat.

Kensi shook her head. "I don't want to live like this. I should be able to go to a movie without having a breakdown because it reminds me of Jack," she choked out his name on a sob.

"Kensi, Jack is always going to be part of your past. But you got through it once. You can do it again. Nobody's stronger than you Kensalina."

"I'm not," she told him.

He brushed a hand across her cheek. "You got up this morning. That's stronger than a lot of people."

She kissed him. A kiss full of pain, so intense it nearly overwhelmed him. He was drowning in it.

She pulled back, tears in her eyes. "You need to go."

Deeks' mind was reeling, and at first he thought he'd misunderstood. "What?" he asked.

"Deeks…I can't…I can't do this right now," Kensi said softly.

He felt his stomach clench. "Can't do what?"

"This, us…" she sighed. "This thing…you and me Deeks, I want it so badly. You have no idea. But right now…I need some space. Some time to breathe."

"Kensi, I'm not asking for anything right now. I don't need anything from you."

"I know you don't," she looked up at him. "I know."

"Kensi, I'm not leaving you."

"I'm sorry," it came out on a sob. "Deeks you have to. You have to go. I need time…I need to be alone."

"Hey, hey," he reached for her arm, preventing her from walking away. "What is this? I'm not leaving. I told you, I am here. I am here for you, we will work this thing out together. Whatever happens."

"Deeks, I can't," she shook her head. "I can't. I'm asking you to go."

He blew out a breath, his own throat beginning to feel tight with emotion. "Okay, look if you need some space we can do that. I can move home and come by every day, call you."

She was shaking her head. "No. I've been thinking, since last night. You and Jack...it's too hard. It's just too hard."

His heart was being ripped out of his chest. He couldn't breathe. "Okay," he struggled to find some sanity in what was happening. "I'll uh, I'll go back on Monday then."

A tear slipped down her cheek. "Today," she whispered. "I need you to leave today."

"Kensi…"

She turned and started back toward the car.

"Kensi wait," he was numb with shock. "Don't ask me to do this."

"Please," she gasped, "please don't. Just…you have to go. I can't think with you here. Deeks, I have to do this alone."

"Kensi, when I was in your shoes you didn't leave. You saved me," Deeks said passionately. "Let me save you."

She looked up at him, anguish in her eyes. "I can't."

* * *

A/N: Guys, I am terrified about what is happening on the show right now. I am terrified they are going to break up the ship. I will be the most upset. I am so scared for Deeks! And then this week they didn't even address it at all! Crazy writers! Ugh! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Sorry to leave you with so many sad feels (but actually not!). I will update soon, promise!


	7. Separation Anxiety

A/N: Hello my lovelies! I am so sorry that this chapter has taken so long! The good news is I have successfully completed one year of grad school. Hurray! I ended up doing some major re-writes on this chapter and was too busy for a while to make them happen. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

They drove home in silence. When they arrived Kensi went immediately into her room and closed the door as Deeks slowly packed up his and Monty's things. It didn't take long and soon he was standing in her living room which was now void of all his possessions. He tentatively knocked on her door and she opened it slowly.

"I'm going. Just…make sure you take your meds okay?" his voice was thick with emotion.

She nodded, her eyes red from crying. "Deeks…"

"It's okay," he told her. "It's okay. I'm good. I'll just uh, I'll just get Monty and go." Deeks looked around. "Where is Monty?"

Kensi stepped back to reveal the dog lying in the center of her bed.

"Okay come on boy. Time to go," Deeks encouraged him.

The dog didn't move. Instead, he gazed up at Deeks with big, baleful, brown eyes.

"Seriously boy, come on."

Monty refused to budge

"I think you might have a new roommate," Deeks told his partner, his attempt at humor a habit rather than a reflection of his current state of emotion. "Come on buddy. Time to get out of Kensi's hair."

Eventually Deeks resorted to grabbing his dog around the middle and hauling him off the bed. Monty let his whole body remain limp causing Deeks to grunt as he tried to lift his furry companion.

It took a huge effort but Deeks managed to pull his dog from the room and out to the living room. He turned when they reached the door. "Be good," he told his partner softly.

She nodded, her arms crossed tightly over her chest.

Monty made one last desperate move toward the bedroom but Deeks gripped the dog's collar and steered him out into the night.

He shoved the dog into the car and then climbed into the driver's seat. He gripped the steering wheel tightly and set his jaw. He had to let her go. But it hurt like hell.

Deeks glanced at Monty as he pulled into traffic. "Don't look at me like that."

Monty's ears were hanging as low as he could make them and he stared at Deeks with a look of betrayal.

"We can't stay there forever," Deeks told his dog as much as himself. "We don't live at Kensi's. It's crowded there."

The dog continued to stare accusingly.

"Come on pal. You love our place! Your toys are there, your bed, and you can drink out of the toilet. Kensi definitely won't let you do that."

The dog put his head down on the seat and stayed that way for the rest of the ride.

"Home sweet home!" Deeks announced with enthusiasm he didn't feel as he parked the car.

He opened the door and Monty crept inside, curled up on the couch, and refused to make eye contact, no matter how hard his master cajoled him, until the detective finally gave up and left him alone for the rest of the evening.

* * *

Deeks didn't sleep that night. The thought of Kensi lying alone in her apartment ate away at him until he finally rose around 4:15 am and drove to the gym to blow off some steam. He arrived at work four hours later, exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally worn thin.

"Hey look who's back!" Sam said as Deeks walked to his desk.

"How's Kensi?" Callen asked.

"She's uh…she's getting there," Deeks said vaguely, putting his attention toward setting his desk to rights.

"And how are you doing?" Sam asked.

"Me?" Deeks looked up, "I'm good."

There was a pause. "Really?" Callen asked. "Because you look exhausted."

"Deeks!"

They all looked up to see Eric rushing down the stairs. He grabbed Deeks and pulled him into a hug. "I'm so glad you're back."

"Ah, yeah, thanks Eric. Me too," Deeks said awkwardly as Eric squeezed him tightly.

"It's been far too quiet with you gone," Hetty chose that moment to enter the room. "Welcome back Mr. Deeks."

"Hetty," Deeks said politely, working to keep his tone from sounding strained.

"No rest for the wicked I'm afraid," she told them all. "A case awaits you upstairs."

Deeks followed the rest of the team into Ops and half listened as Eric and Nell explained what was going on. His thoughts centered squarely on his partner, what she was doing, if she was okay. He felt naked without her on his hip.

"You heard the man, let's get to work," Hetty announced when Eric and Nell had finished.

Deeks tried to focus as the team began assembling game plan.

"Deeks and I will check out the crime scene," Sam said. "Good with you Deeks?"

"Yeah, sure," Deeks nodded his affirmative.

"Great, I'll take the house," Callen told them.

Deeks and Sam walked out to the Challenger and Deeks climbed into the passenger's seat. Sam started the car and pulled out into LA traffic. "You're quiet today," he observed. "Something on your mind?"

Deeks shook his head. "Nope. I'm good."

Sam glanced at the young detective. "You want to talk about it?"

Deeks looked out the window. "There's nothing to say."

"She'll be back, Deeks," Sam told him. "She's NCIS through and through."

"Yeah, well, that was before terrorists tried to rip her apart," Deeks said bitterly.

Sam sighed and pulled the car over. "Talk."

Deeks ran a hand through his hair. "She's not sleeping, barely eating." He looked down at his hands. "I wasn't enough. I couldn't bring her back."

"Deeks, it's not up to you to fix her," Sam told him. "She has to do that herself. She'll come around. Just give her some time. She's been through a lot."

"Yeah," Deeks said, "maybe too much."

"How many weeks did it take for you to get yourself together after what happened in that warehouse?" Sam asked. "You wouldn't even answer the phone. You needed that time. And when you were ready, you came back."

Deeks returned to looking out the window. "What if she doesn't?"

"She will," Sam said firmly. "Look, you need to get your head together. I can't have you worrying about your partner if somebody pulls a gun on us. Either you're here, or you're not. What's it gonna be?"

Deeks took a breath. "Yeah, I'm good. I'm here. Let's go."

"Good," Sam restarted the car. "She's going to be fine Deeks. You'll see."

* * *

They returned to Ops after a quick walkthrough of the crime scene with LAPD. Deeks was headed back to his desk when he was stopped by Hetty; her hands folded behind her back.

"Might I have a word, Mr. Deeks?" she asked.

Deeks looked to Sam who nodded before heading up the stairs.

Deeks followed Hetty to her desk. She took a seat and looked at him with that piercing gaze he'd become all too familiar with.

"How are you Mr. Deeks?" she asked.

"I'm here," Deeks told her.

She pursed her lips. "It's clear that you've come back to work, but are you really here?"

"Yes, of course," Deeks said. "I can do my job without Kensi."

"And how is Agent Blye?" Hetty asked. "Do you have any updates you'd like to share?"

"Couldn't tell you," Deeks tried to keep his tone civil, but his irritation was mounting with each second.

"I know you're angry with me, Mr. Deeks," Hetty told him. "Would it make you feel better to tell me about your frustrations?"

"I just want to do my job," Deeks told her. "That's all."

"Please don't think that I care any less about Agent Blye's wellbeing than you do," Hetty replied. "If there's anything I can do to help I would be glad to offer my assistance."

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you sent her over to Afghanistan blind." The words slipped out before Deeks could stop them.

Hetty nodded slowly. "It's true, I did not tell Kensi everything I knew. I thought perhaps her judgment would be clouded."

"Well you made the wrong call," Deeks said bitterly.

"No one is disputing that," Hetty told him. "And no one regrets it more deeply than I. But we cannot change the past Mr. Deeks. We can only move forward. I hope that you will be able to forgive me for my miscalculations and allow me to assist you in whatever way I can."

Deeks blew out a breath. Fury still bubbled inside of him but it wasn't doing anyone any good. Hetty was right; they couldn't change what had happened. There was no choice but to move on.

"Keni's fine," Deeks told her. "She just needs time."

"Of course," Hetty said. "And you Mr. Deeks?"

"I need some time too."

"Very good. Back to work then."

Deeks rose and walked away from Hetty, feeling weariness deep in his bones. His eyes strayed to Kensi's desk, empty, forlorn and his heart caught in his throat as pain swelled in his chest. He would forgive Hetty, but he wasn't going to forget.

* * *

A/N: In case you can't tell, I'm still a little bitter toward Hetty and her part in the whole Afghanistan debacle. It was poor judgement. Which I feel like she shows consistently. I feel like Deeks really should have gone at her but then we're slipping into non-canon territory and I don't want to go there for now. Anywho, tell me what you thought! I promise the final chapter is coming your way soon!


	8. Stay

A/N: This is it folks! The grand finale! The final chapter! Woohoo! This story has been a beast to write. I'm very pleased with how it turned out but it was super heavy which is probably why it's taken so long. Thank you all for your patience! It means so much that you all have stuck by my side. Enjoy the read and I'll see you on the other side!

* * *

Deeks thought his dog would return to normal after a few days at home. He was wrong. The dog's misery persisted as the weeks wore on. Monty was barely eating, lethargic, and not even the prospect of a walk or cheeseburgers could cheer him up.

To be honest Deeks wasn't doing all that well himself. The urge to call his partner was nearly overwhelming and he felt sick when he thought of her alone. His bed felt cold, the apartment empty and lifeless without her presence. But he was determined to respect her wishes.

True to his word he tried focused when he was at work. He filed papers, investigated crime scenes, listened to Eric and Nell bicker about the best way to track down a suspect. He watched Sam's back and helped Callen interrogate suspects. They were humoring him, all of them. He could sense it in the way they spoke to him, the hint of pity in their eyes. Apparently he wasn't hiding his misery as well as he hoped.

He was writing up a report on a Wednesday afternoon when his phone buzzed. His heart skipped a little, the same way it did every time his cell rang, the hope that his partner would be on the other end overriding his determination not to think about her at work. His seconds of excitement were quickly squashed by seeing his dogwalker's number on the screen. "Deeks," he answered.

"Mr. Deeks, it's Kennedy," the girl said from the other end.

"Hey Kennedy, what's up?" he asked.

"It's Monty," she said.

Deeks' heart began to race. "Is he all right? Did something happen?"

"He's, well, he's fine, he's just…he's just not himself."

Deeks sighed. "Yeah, I know, he's been a little off lately."

"Mr. Deeks, he hasn't eaten anything today, and I can't even get him off the couch to go for a walk. I'm worried and I don't know what to do. Do you want me to call the vet?"

"No, I'll uh, I'll check him out when I get home. Just leave his food in the bowl for now. Thanks Kennedy."

Deeks hung up and found Callen watching him.

"Monty okay?" the senior agent asked.

"Just a little under the weather," Deeks said as he pocketed his phone, intent on going back to work without further conversation.

"You're not fooling anyone. You know that right?" Callen asked.

"Yeah, well, maybe if I keep trying I can fool myself," Deeks told him.

"Deeks, if you want to talk—"

"I don't," Deeks cut him off. "I'm good." He stood and grabbed his bag. "I ned to go take care of Monty. I'll see you tomorrow."

He regretted his sharpness immediately but headed for the door without offering an apology. Callen was just trying to help. Deeks knew that. But right now, he was pretty sure there was only one person who could help him. And she was still trying to help herself.

* * *

"Monty, come on pal. It's no good for both of us to sit around here like this. She told us to leave. It wasn't my choice."

Deeks had arrived home to find his dog in exactly the same place he'd spent most of his days since they'd left Kensi. He knew what was wrong with his dog and it had nothing to do with illness.

"Buddy, look we have to move on. I'm moving on. I've been going to work, you need to do whatever…doggy thing it is you do while I'm gone."

The dog ignored him, staring very pointedly at the wall.

"Fine!" Deeks threw up his hands in frustration. "You win!"

He pulled out his phone and dialed. "My dog won't look at me."

"Deeks?" Kensi asked from the other end of the line. "What are you talking about?"

"He hates me, and he loves you. He won't budge Kens."

The dog's ears twitched at the mention of her name.

"I'm re-naming you Benedict Arnold," Deeks hissed at him.

"I'm a what?"

"Not you! Monty! He's Edward Snowden!"

"Deeks…"

"Can I bring him back over? I know what you said but…"

"I…"

"Please Kensi? He's not eating. He misses you. I'll drop him off tomorrow morning and pick him up tomorrow night. You'll barely even see me. It'll be like a joint custody agreement after a bitter divorce."

Kensi sighed. "Fine."

Deeks felt relief flood him. "Thank you."

He hung up and glared at his dog. "You and me? We're through."

The dog simply wagged his tail.

* * *

Deeks pulled up to Kensi's bright and early the next morning. She opened the door before he could knock and Monty pushed right past her, wagging his tail, and disappeared from site. "Hey," Deeks said.

"Hey," she replied, not making eye contact.

"You, uh, you look good," he said.

"Thanks," she replied, "you too."

Deeks didn't know what else to say. He wanted to express everything he was feeling, wanted to tell her that her being in Afghanistan had been horrendous but having her this close and not there was absolute torture. He opened his mouth but his heart whispered that this wasn't the time. She was still too fragile. And he'd already invaded her privacy too much.

"Kens, I'm sorry—"

"It's fine." She looked as if she wanted nothing more than to shut the door in his face. "Have a good day."

Deeks took the hint. "Yeah, you too."

* * *

Deeks returned that evening, exhausted from another day of work without his partner. Callen and Sam had caught him staring at her desk more than once and had the good grace not to say anything. Hetty was avoiding him, which was probably for the best.

He knocked on the door and Kensi opened it. "Hey," she said, "he's on the couch."

Monty glanced up at his owner looking exceptionally pleased with himself as Deeks stepped inside. "You uh…everything good here?" the detective asked.

"Yeah," Kensi replied.

"Good, great," Deeks said slowly. It felt like they had somehow moved back to square one and he didn't have a clue how to proceed.

Kensi looked at the dog, who was now sleeping peacefully. "I think you might be going home alone."

"I tell ya, you feed him, take him for walks, and as soon as he sees a pretty face he ditches you," Deeks said with a hollow smile.

"You could leave him," Kensi suggested. "For the night. You can pick him up tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" Deeks asked.

"Yeah," she told him. "It's fine.

"Okay."

"So…how's work?" Kensi asked.

"Fine," Deeks said. "Sam's mad at Eric for refusing to track his daughter's cell phone with the Ops equipment."

"Sounds like a good day."

There was painful silence between them. Everything within Deeks longed to just take her in his arms, tell her it would all be okay. They would get through it together. Instead he said, "I should go. Early day tomorrow."

"Right, yeah," Kensi said quickly. "Just, let me know when you want to come get Monty."

"Yeah. Sure. So…goodnight then."

"Goodnight."

Deeks walked slowly out to his car, his stomach clenching in upset. His partner and his dog had abandoned him. He had nothing left. He'd thought his time at LAPD had been his lowest, but these last several months were proving him very, very wrong.

"Deeks!"

He turned to find Kensi coming down the steps toward him.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

"No," she said breathlessly. "I'm not."

"What's wrong?"

She just looked at him, wordlessly.

"Kensi?"

"You can't just leave Monty here."

"I…what? You just said-"

"I've been thinking and going over everything again and again and I just…Deeks I don't know who I am right now. I don't know what life is supposed to look like."

"Kensi…"

"I feel like I'm going crazy," she shrugged helplessly. "Everything is in pieces and I'm trying to put them back together but it's like they don't fit anymore. Nothing makes any sense. I don't have any answers."

Her eyes filled with tears and the sight set his heart aching.

"I'm sorry Deeks. I'm so sorry."

"Hey, hey, there's nothing to be sorry about," he told her. "It's all going to be okay. You'll figure it out."

He had to resist the urge to brush the tears from her cheeks. To confess his feelings for her right here and now. To tell her that he would carry her through this if only she would let him. But he couldn't. She didn't need him. She'd made that more than clear and he had already overstepped by bringing his dog to her place.

"I'll call you tomorrow," he told her, turning to go.

"No!"

She caught his hand.

"No, Deeks, I…I can't do this without you I don't know what this is. What we are," she put her hands on his chest, clinging to the fabric of his shirt. "But I just know...I need you. I need you to stay. Please." Her eyes pleaded with him. "Stay with me."

Deeks brushed a hand over her cheek. "Are you sure?" he asked.

She nodded. "I can't do this without you. I need my partner."

"Okay," he finally said.

"Okay?" she sagged in relief.

He pulled her to his chest, his heart finally finding peace for the first time in weeks. When he spoke his voice was a whisper, full of some emotion he couldn't quite define. "Okay."

They were going to be okay.

Sometimes they stay at his place, sometimes at hers. Sometimes it's the bed with Monty squeezed between them. Sometimes it's the couch where they've both dropped, exhausted, after a long day. It doesn't matter where as long as they're together.

* * *

A/N: Again, thank you all so much for reading and leaving such wonderfully sweet reviews. I appreciate them more than you know. Please feel free to leave final thoughts for me and I will see you for my next fic soon! (Spoiler alert: the next one will contain some wonderful whumpagge for you!)


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